Shopkick

The phone app that allows you to check into places and scan items for points. You trade in the points for gift cards. Shopkick is completely addicting and fun.

Feeling a bit melancholy today

At 16, hell even at 18 never would I have imagined I would be where I am now. At 16 I believed I would be a Veterinarian, possibly married, and no children. At 32, I am an Army wife and a stay at home mom to two children. Yesterday I received my hard fought for diploma, not in veterinarian medicine, but in criminal justice. At the age of almost 19, a man walked into my life that changed things forever, and for the best. Despite the deployments and separations there is absolutely nothing I would give to change the outcome of my life. At 16, I believed I had the entire world at my fingertips. Today I still do, but only those fingertips belong to the small people I am raising. Now it is up to me and my husband to make sure in the end we can send well-adjusted, good hearted people into this world. While our lives may not be perfect, far from it. We have constant ups and downs and uncertainties that come with the life, it is our life and so far I believe we have all made the best of it. We have been paid to live in areas that most people only dream about. I can look at people with pride and say I am married to a United States Soldier. Now at this point I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up and will most likely be paying student loans back until I am 80, but that is ok. I am sure when the time comes I will figure things out.

Well, we now have answers

They are not what we wanted to hear. That is all I will say tonight. It is time to have a very large drink.

Goodbye, part 2

Well, we had to say goodbye to J. today, again. He was able to come home for a lovely Thanksgiving weekend before returning to his train up base. We are very fortunate for being able to have that extra time, but it is almost like reapplying the scab after ripping it off the first time, to rip it off for a second time. Goodbyes suck, but the second time it is worse. The only reason I have not completely lost my mind is knowing there is a large chance he will not have to go. But then again, there is a chance he will as well. Right now we know nothing about this deployment other than some people are going. We do not know when, where, who, or even how they will get there, but someone will go in the end. I have been good all day, until he told the bratlets goodbye. I lost it right in front of his office thanks to that. Baby boy does not understand what is going on, but big girl does. She understands it all too well. I am hoping and praying we will have an answer tomorrow. I am so tired of the up and down roller coaster. I just want the chance to grieve, be heartbroken and pissed off if he does have to go.

Dinner dates

After all the wonderful whining this morning I made the little man take a nap. He woke up in a much better mood. Since they missed skating with a friend today I decided to take them both out to dinner.

My sweet dinner dates were both on their best behaviors. My little guy was so polite and sat still. Poor baby girl is starting to get sick. The time it took us to drive to dinner and sit down she started feeling worse. By the time we made it home, she was feeling truly horrible. Once we made it home we doped her up and sent her to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be much better for her. While at Ruby Tuesday little man managed to fall in front to the toilet and scrape his knee up. That takes true talent right there.

My dinner dates

Whining

The ever present distinct sound of a child's voice when the syllables seem to join together in one long eeeeehhhhhhhh..... That is how I started my day. Well, no let's backtrack. I started my day with a major meltdown because I wouldn't let the little bratlet play his Leap pad at 6:00 this morning. What he does not understand is he does not have to wake before God himself on the weekends. He comes running his cute self into my room where the big bratlet managed to sneak herself into at some point duing the night. When I try to convince him to go back to bed the meltdown ensues. The big bratlet takes her toys and goes back to her room, where she closes her door. I am left fighting with a very tired 4 year old who does not realize he is tired. I slid into his little toddler bed hoping he would go back to sleep. My luck is never that great. So now it is 12:30 and he has been whining about every single thing under the sun since oh... 8:00. Sometimes I wonder if he is broken, or at least needs new batteries.

And so it begins

Day 2 of the deployment and the shit storm is fully underway. The kiddos and I were sitting at a stop sign going to school and what happens? We were slammed into by a woman not paying attention. The bumper of my not-even-6 month old car is smashed and random warning lights have been coming on. Kids are ok, but I managed to hit my lip and tooth. Girl who hit us was absolutely freaking out to the point the police officer actually meantioned it. In the end she had no less than 7 people at the scene with her while she is still freaking out. Her car is damaged more than mine. It was said she didn't even slow down when she hit us.

After dealing with insurance companies I drag two grouchy kids through Walmart. Before the end of it all I am losing my cool. We get to the front and there is 4 registers open for 102337 people attempting to check out. My patience level is now nil. We finally get home and I whip up a gormet dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup. I manage to get soup all over my stove and in every burner (go me!) I go to get my cleaning wipes out of the cabinet to discover there is now standing water under my cabinet and mold on the walls. 2 lovely days after Superman leaves and the shit storm begins. I swear it is the never ending cycle.

Round and round we go...

So here we are, again. Back where we were 2 years ago, staring a deployment right in the face. New year, new place, same shit going down. Only this time both little ones older. Big girl understands more than we give her credit for. Before we explained about daddy leaving we allowed her to watch former Pres. Bush's interview about 9/11. She understands why daddy has to go. She knows daddy keeps us safe. Little man will just know daddy isn't coming home for a while. At least it won't be for as long as the first time, thank goodness. We are closer to our parents so I can hopefully take weekend trips if I need to. I don't want him to go, but I want to get this over with. At least technology has improved since then. I just hope they have wifi overseas.

So here we are..

The move is complete. We found a nice house in the country, but not too far from what we need. The kids are happy and the house is almost situated. It is too bad that since the move we have had to make almost $1000 worth of repairs to J's Jeep, I managed to break my laptop, and now we are going to have to replace the air compressor in my Jeep. Why, oh, why does everything happen at once? Big girl is so nervous about starting school. At least we have a few more weeks before she does have to stop.

New plan of attack

After speaking to three different realtors and realizing we are going to lose our ass if we sell at this point, we decided to go the rental route. All of my hard work researching and talking to realtors is out the window and now I am back to square one. I am so tired. I barely sleep because of worrying about all of this. At times I feel like I can barely function because of the lack of sleep. I am surviving on Coke right now. At least J. will be home this weekend. We have 20 days until our pick-up. Baby Girl is going to stay with the inlaw while we look for a house in Ga. We may let Baby Boy stay with them too. I don't know how I feel about this. At least my class is over for right now. I am not too sure when my next one starts, but I do know it is before the move. I just hope the new instructor is reasonable.

Emotional

So what, yes I am a little emotional J. I am sick and tired of having to deal with all of this shit alone. Yes, I do understand it is not your fault. I do understand you wished you were here, but guess what, you are not! I am feeling overwhelmed. I asked you to do one thing, please call one of the potential realtors. Just ask him if there is any chance of negotiating our realtor's fees. That is it, pretty simple. Nope, I guess not. I understand you don't get out of class until 5. Guess what, that is 4 our time and you will be calling realtor's cell phone. It is so damned hard for me to attempt to talk to anyone on the phone. I have Baby boy either yelling at me, begging me to let him to talk, or demanding I get His Highness whatever he desires. I do not feel like negotiating while I have an unruly 2 year old on my leg. Forget walking outside to talk. He will destroy the house in .5 seconds flat. I cannot do it during his nap because he will hear me talking and want up.I do realize it will take me 5 minutes to walk outside to see what crap the pick-up guy needs to get. I am very sorry I have not had that time to walk outside. You do not have to make me feel like I am stupid because of this. I know we need to decide on a realtor. I am sorry I am making my education a priority right now. I am very sorry I have a test to take and a paper to write. I guess it is my fault for not doing it this past weekend, but I did manage to get 3 rooms cleaned out. I could just say fuck it and tell you to take care of it when you get home. You have already made it painfully clear you will not have any time to do this in when you get back. We have got to get a buyer, like yesterday! I am tired. My head constantly aches. I cannot sleep because when I do lay down my head spins full of ideas and thoughts about what I need to do. I feel sick to my stomach constantly because I am tired and a nervous wreck. I am sorry I have cried while talking to you on the phone. I am sorry you don't think I can handle things, but guess what, I have NO fucking choice. Just remember, when all this is over with, I will have a break. I am so sick of hearing about how bored you are and what movie you went to see, or where you ate dinner, or how many drinks you had at the bar. Your time is coming....

FML

I just discovered that not only do I have to write a post discussion and 1000 page essay, I also have to take a final exam. All this while packing up the house and making it show ready. I have managed to pack up the kidlets' rooms and cleaned their carpets. It is just too bad all the work I managed to do in the kitchen and living room last weekend has completely become undone. I still have my "Monica closet". I still have to pick a realtor and sign the contracts and have J.'s orders rewritten because they have the wrong damed rank on them. I didn't notice that until the transportation guy pointed it out. I am averaging about 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep per night. I am exhausted. I am tired of dealing with all this shit. I am tired of being the one who has to fight with the kids. I had an epic fight with Big Girl on stuff that needed to go yesterday. She wanted to talk to daddy so I let her call him. Of course he gives me shit about having to referee us from Mo. Baby Boy has wanted to follow me around and undo my workings all weekend. And the crowning glory of it all is I think both kids and possibly me are getting sick. While all this is going on at home, I get regular updates from J. about how bored he is and how he is going to see a movie, or go hang out at the bar, or go to dinner, yada yada yada.

Bittersweet

We are gearing up for our move. We have been talking to realtors and cleaning out the house. It is bittersweet. This is the city I have fallen in love with. This is where we bought our first home and where our little boy was born. This is also the place where J. and I separated and went through one of the lowest points of our lives. Big girl loves her school and her friends but understands we have to move. This is all Baby Boy has ever known. B.G. was baby when we moved the first time and much older when we moved for the second time. We will be near family and the beach. This is where we have made great friends we are going to have to leave behind and where I actually finished college for the first time. So much has changed in these last 4 years. Our daughter started school for the first time and our baby boy was introduced into this world. I am sad to go, but anxious for the future. I cannot wait to see what lays ahead for us. Things seem overwhelming right now. There are so much stuff to do before we move. I have started getting the house ready to show. Now we just need to choose a realtor and get moving. We have 32 days before pick-up.

Well, the time has come..

We discovered we are indeed moving. Great, wonderful, let's go. The problem, you may ask?? We only have around 6 weeks to get everything done and J. won't be home from school until the first week of May. We have to report the first week of June. This means I have to take care of everything I can before he comes home. I have to set up the movers, clean the house out, get someone to redo our tile grout, hopefully find a new house, talk to realtors, and the list goes on and on, where it stops no one knows. Big girl isn't happy at all. I know she is going to miss her friends. I hate having to move her, but it comes with the life. I am so tired that I don't want to think about anything and I haven't even started. My eye literally twitches. The house is nowhere near ready to be sold. There is so much little stuff that needs to be done, and our housing market still hasn't come back up. I guess I need to get jumping.

I guess I should update

Since it has been almost 6 months since I have posted anything. Things are so much better. J. finished warrant school last month and is leaving this week for the second phase of his ed-u-macation. Sweet baby girl is loving school. Her first soccer game of the season was today. She was incrediable. She ended up playing her favorite position, goalie. She had at least 10 saves. Baby Boy's diaper ended up coming loose and he piddled his pants. I had to miss the last quarter. We are gearing up for another 5 weeks alone. I am not looking forward to it, but I am excited to find out what will be in store for us next. We are either leaving or staying. Hopefully we will know in the next week. Baby boy is more distructive than ever. He has learned he can climb up the cabinets to get to things on the counter. He pulls out the oven drawer to stand on and climb on the stove. He is loud and rambunctious. He hates the stroller, but refuses to hold our hands. He loves to run away when we are not looking and is too fast. He is my sweet little boy that drives me bat-shit crazy at times. I am in the middle of finishing my BS online. I have maybe 10 classes left. I am not completely sure what I want to do with the degree when I am finished, but at least I will have it.

I want to thank you lovely ladies who commented on my other posts. I hope you see this. I promise I did not intentionally ignore your kind words. They do mean a lot. It is uplifting to read kind things when it seems like you are at the bottom. Thank you.

I am almost 30....

and I am haaving a hard time dealing with it. It has just hit me. I know 30 is just a number. I never thought I would have kids, I now have 2. I never thought I would be a SAHM. I love my babies, and I love being able to stay home with them, but I am just mourning who I thought I would be. I thought I would be in a much different place by now. When I was 16, I thought by now I would be a Veterinarian with my own office. Now I am finally working on my BS in criminal justice. I never At times I feel like a fat, frumpy, housewife. I hate the weight I am at right now. I thought it was because of a medical issue, but everything came back normal. I love my husband, but I am so jealous of what he has achieved so far. When he turned 30, it was right before our 7 year aniversery. He went crazy and we almost ended up in divorce. Now I wonder when will I have my crisis point, when can I go crazy. I know I can't. I am the one who has to hold it all down. I am almost 30 and I feel like I have no place, no purpose. I have no energy during the day and have problems sleeping at night. At times I just want to run away from it all, but I can't. I just think back on who I was at 16. I feel I have lost myself somewhere over time. I know a lot has changed, I have changed, but sometimes I want "her" back. I want her carelessness, her freedom back. I want to be able to have no worries in life. I want to go back and see life through those eyes again, the biggest worry was what I was going to do on the weekends. I just miss "her". I miss her body, her outlook, how free she was. I know this will never happen. She is gone forever, locked inside my mind. Every now and then I do catch a glimpse her her coming out to say hey.

Can I run way please?

Seriously these kids are driving me crazy. Big girl has been acting out so much lately. No matter how many times I fuss, beg, cry, take things away nothing gets through to her. Every single time we step foot in Wal-Mart she is hungry, tired, her feet hurt, her head hurts, her legs, her tummy. Today we were in and out of WM within 15 minutes. As soon as we get to the front she is hungry. We had lunch not even an hour before. I tell her no snack. She starts crying and begging. We make it out and head to JC Penny. The whole time there I am fighting to keep Baby Boy in his stroller. He can squeeze out of his straps. We find nothing there so we go to Old Navy. I let Big girl color at the table while I shop for Baby Boy. When it came time to look for clothes for her, she didn't want to stop coloring. I do not try to shop for clothes for her without having her to hold them up to her. I give her a choice, color or shop. She wants to color. Ok, go color. I grab a couple of camis for myself. I tell her it is time to go. She starts screaming and begging me to buy her some clothes. The whole time we were in there B.B. wants to get out and walk. He cannot be trusted. He is trying to climb out, standing in the stroller, screaming. I carry him for a while before he starts getting too heavy. I let him walk for a little bit. He was great until it became a game to run away from me. I picked him up and he fought me and screamed about it. It all culminated at the checkout counter. I had both of them screaming, one to get down and walk, the other because she wanted to get some clothes. I drove straight to the shoppette and got a fifth of Vodka and orange juice. After we get home B.B. is so tired all he did was scream while I attempted to cook dinner. I ended up scraping dinner and just popped open a couple cans of soup. So here is the story of my life. I am to the point I just don't know how much more I can take. I have started my new class and I don't know if I can do it. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out....

I feel like I am losing my mind

I am seriously about to lose my shit. Nothing I do gets through Big Girl. She is keep repeating herself over and over again after I tell her to do/not to do something. It usually ends up with me yelling at her to get her to do/stop whatever. She wants to sleep with her overhead light on, but not her fan. Well she broke her fan chain so now I can't turn it off. I tell her I can't, go to bed. What does she do? Keeps begging me to turn it off, even after I tell her I can't and she is not sleeping with the overhead light on when she has a lamp she can use. Ignore her, you may say, don't engage? Easier said than done. She will keep repeating herself and the starts begging me to listen to her while continuing to get whinnier and whinnier to the point I believe her voice is going to bore a hole in my brain. She is 7 years old! I thought the whining was supposed to be over by now. I guess not.

Now one to the little one, my dear sweet baby boy. If you do not stop screaming every.single.time you don't get want you want or have something taken away from you, I am going to choke you. There is nothing like having people running from aisles to see what is going on when they hear you scream at the top of your lungs after I take a pen away from you when you figure out how to open the top. And I am extremely sorry you have to ride in a carseat, but honey, it is for your own safety. I am very tired of having to wrestle you into the seat while you are screaming so loudly that I am sure at one point someone has called CPS on me. I am sorry I have things I need to do during the day that usually requires we take the car, and many times multiple stops. I am tired by the second time I have to fight you into the seat.

And dammit, I am tired of the whole "your husband is gone, so everything is going to break/die/catch on fire. Since he has been gone I have managed to have a slow leaking tire, run over a HUGE nail that flattens my tire within an hour, have the side wall of one of the patched tires explode at the mall, sliding into a curb and knocking my tire off the rim, my furnace died during December (not long before Christmas), lost my power of attorney form that I need to renew my tag, and the day before yesterday..... I thought I put my Jeep in park in the parkin lot of Target, I reached down to fix my shoe. I felt myself rolling. I ended up hitting my gas instead of brake. I slammed into the car in front of me and ripped my licence plate mount off when I backed up. Luckly for me the guy was really nice about it and didn't want my info. Today I managed to blow up my vacuum cleaner. I am hoping I jut broke the belt, but I don't know. The damn thing was smoking.

I need sleep. I average around 3-4 hours a night interupted by Baby Boy. This is because he is on a sleep strike. I am lucky to get him to sleep and stay asleep before 2 am. I can't focus on anything. I feem emotionally drained to the point I can't even cry if I wanted to. I am sick of my damned dog jumping on the counter and getting shit that I forget to push back. I know I don't have much longer before J. comes home, but dammit I don't know if I can handle much more. I'm starting school full time in 2 weeks and I don't know if I can do it.

This is how I feel today...

Funny Shit

It must be because it is almost 130, but I think I peed a little when I saw this critter.


more animals

I feel sorry for whoever has to feed his fat ass.

You learn to cry in silence

The kidlets and I drove 15 hours this past weekend, to be with J., who is in the states taking care of something for work. Leaving home, I knew I would have to say goodbye again. The drive was worth it, even though we stayed only two days. Baby Boy was great with him. At first he was a little shy around him, but warmed up quickly. I was afraid he would scream as soon as J.touched him since it has been so long since he has seen him. All I needed was to see him, to feel him laying in bed next to me. Laying there that night, it hit me, we would have to sayby again, and how hard it would be. I don't want him to see me very upset. He has too many other things to worry about other than me. We didn't tell Big Girl we were leaving, until the day we left. Honestly, not much was planned. We jumped in the Jeep and hit the road. I didn't even know when we were going to leave. After we told her, she just kept sayin how much she is going to miss him. All weekend she was latched to him. It is so heart wrenching. I'm just happy we left at night so she didn't see me. I do let her see upset to a point, but I hate letting her see me when he leaves and right after he leaves. I do know how lucky we are to be able to see him. I know some families may not even see their soliders once during a deployment. He will be back in a few weeks for his leave. I am grateful for this trip. There is nothing that would have stopped me from seeing him this week.

The trip itself was not that bad. Baby boy did great. He had his moments, understandably. Oklahoma really needs to restructure some roads. I ended up having to get off the interstate on a dirt (no shitting you) road to get to the highway. On the way back home, B.B. had a few more moments. Part of the interstate was closed due to a massive wreck that caused a 2 hour detour. As soon as I took the exit to our house, the road was closed. Having that exit closed just summed up my entire trip, lol. When we pulled up to the house my fat cat come running from somewhere. I have no idea how long he had been outside of our fence, but he was very excited to get into the house.