Friday, October 9, 2009

I am almost 30....

and I am haaving a hard time dealing with it. It has just hit me. I know 30 is just a number. I never thought I would have kids, I now have 2. I never thought I would be a SAHM. I love my babies, and I love being able to stay home with them, but I am just mourning who I thought I would be. I thought I would be in a much different place by now. When I was 16, I thought by now I would be a Veterinarian with my own office. Now I am finally working on my BS in criminal justice. I never At times I feel like a fat, frumpy, housewife. I hate the weight I am at right now. I thought it was because of a medical issue, but everything came back normal. I love my husband, but I am so jealous of what he has achieved so far. When he turned 30, it was right before our 7 year aniversery. He went crazy and we almost ended up in divorce. Now I wonder when will I have my crisis point, when can I go crazy. I know I can't. I am the one who has to hold it all down. I am almost 30 and I feel like I have no place, no purpose. I have no energy during the day and have problems sleeping at night. At times I just want to run away from it all, but I can't. I just think back on who I was at 16. I feel I have lost myself somewhere over time. I know a lot has changed, I have changed, but sometimes I want "her" back. I want her carelessness, her freedom back. I want to be able to have no worries in life. I want to go back and see life through those eyes again, the biggest worry was what I was going to do on the weekends. I just miss "her". I miss her body, her outlook, how free she was. I know this will never happen. She is gone forever, locked inside my mind. Every now and then I do catch a glimpse her her coming out to say hey.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Can I run way please?

Seriously these kids are driving me crazy. Big girl has been acting out so much lately. No matter how many times I fuss, beg, cry, take things away nothing gets through to her. Every single time we step foot in Wal-Mart she is hungry, tired, her feet hurt, her head hurts, her legs, her tummy. Today we were in and out of WM within 15 minutes. As soon as we get to the front she is hungry. We had lunch not even an hour before. I tell her no snack. She starts crying and begging. We make it out and head to JC Penny. The whole time there I am fighting to keep Baby Boy in his stroller. He can squeeze out of his straps. We find nothing there so we go to Old Navy. I let Big girl color at the table while I shop for Baby Boy. When it came time to look for clothes for her, she didn't want to stop coloring. I do not try to shop for clothes for her without having her to hold them up to her. I give her a choice, color or shop. She wants to color. Ok, go color. I grab a couple of camis for myself. I tell her it is time to go. She starts screaming and begging me to buy her some clothes. The whole time we were in there B.B. wants to get out and walk. He cannot be trusted. He is trying to climb out, standing in the stroller, screaming. I carry him for a while before he starts getting too heavy. I let him walk for a little bit. He was great until it became a game to run away from me. I picked him up and he fought me and screamed about it. It all culminated at the checkout counter. I had both of them screaming, one to get down and walk, the other because she wanted to get some clothes. I drove straight to the shoppette and got a fifth of Vodka and orange juice. After we get home B.B. is so tired all he did was scream while I attempted to cook dinner. I ended up scraping dinner and just popped open a couple cans of soup. So here is the story of my life. I am to the point I just don't know how much more I can take. I have started my new class and I don't know if I can do it. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out....

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I feel like I am losing my mind

I am seriously about to lose my shit. Nothing I do gets through Big Girl. She is keep repeating herself over and over again after I tell her to do/not to do something. It usually ends up with me yelling at her to get her to do/stop whatever. She wants to sleep with her overhead light on, but not her fan. Well she broke her fan chain so now I can't turn it off. I tell her I can't, go to bed. What does she do? Keeps begging me to turn it off, even after I tell her I can't and she is not sleeping with the overhead light on when she has a lamp she can use. Ignore her, you may say, don't engage? Easier said than done. She will keep repeating herself and the starts begging me to listen to her while continuing to get whinnier and whinnier to the point I believe her voice is going to bore a hole in my brain. She is 7 years old! I thought the whining was supposed to be over by now. I guess not.

Now one to the little one, my dear sweet baby boy. If you do not stop screaming every.single.time you don't get want you want or have something taken away from you, I am going to choke you. There is nothing like having people running from aisles to see what is going on when they hear you scream at the top of your lungs after I take a pen away from you when you figure out how to open the top. And I am extremely sorry you have to ride in a carseat, but honey, it is for your own safety. I am very tired of having to wrestle you into the seat while you are screaming so loudly that I am sure at one point someone has called CPS on me. I am sorry I have things I need to do during the day that usually requires we take the car, and many times multiple stops. I am tired by the second time I have to fight you into the seat.

And dammit, I am tired of the whole "your husband is gone, so everything is going to break/die/catch on fire. Since he has been gone I have managed to have a slow leaking tire, run over a HUGE nail that flattens my tire within an hour, have the side wall of one of the patched tires explode at the mall, sliding into a curb and knocking my tire off the rim, my furnace died during December (not long before Christmas), lost my power of attorney form that I need to renew my tag, and the day before yesterday..... I thought I put my Jeep in park in the parkin lot of Target, I reached down to fix my shoe. I felt myself rolling. I ended up hitting my gas instead of brake. I slammed into the car in front of me and ripped my licence plate mount off when I backed up. Luckly for me the guy was really nice about it and didn't want my info. Today I managed to blow up my vacuum cleaner. I am hoping I jut broke the belt, but I don't know. The damn thing was smoking.

I need sleep. I average around 3-4 hours a night interupted by Baby Boy. This is because he is on a sleep strike. I am lucky to get him to sleep and stay asleep before 2 am. I can't focus on anything. I feem emotionally drained to the point I can't even cry if I wanted to. I am sick of my damned dog jumping on the counter and getting shit that I forget to push back. I know I don't have much longer before J. comes home, but dammit I don't know if I can handle much more. I'm starting school full time in 2 weeks and I don't know if I can do it.

This is how I feel today...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Funny Shit

It must be because it is almost 130, but I think I peed a little when I saw this critter.

more animals

I feel sorry for whoever has to feed his fat ass.

Monday, January 19, 2009

You learn to cry in silence

The kidlets and I drove 15 hours this past weekend, to be with J., who is in the states taking care of something for work. Leaving home, I knew I would have to say goodbye again. The drive was worth it, even though we stayed only two days. Baby Boy was great with him. At first he was a little shy around him, but warmed up quickly. I was afraid he would scream as soon as J.touched him since it has been so long since he has seen him. All I needed was to see him, to feel him laying in bed next to me. Laying there that night, it hit me, we would have to sayby again, and how hard it would be. I don't want him to see me very upset. He has too many other things to worry about other than me. We didn't tell Big Girl we were leaving, until the day we left. Honestly, not much was planned. We jumped in the Jeep and hit the road. I didn't even know when we were going to leave. After we told her, she just kept sayin how much she is going to miss him. All weekend she was latched to him. It is so heart wrenching. I'm just happy we left at night so she didn't see me. I do let her see upset to a point, but I hate letting her see me when he leaves and right after he leaves. I do know how lucky we are to be able to see him. I know some families may not even see their soliders once during a deployment. He will be back in a few weeks for his leave. I am grateful for this trip. There is nothing that would have stopped me from seeing him this week.

The trip itself was not that bad. Baby boy did great. He had his moments, understandably. Oklahoma really needs to restructure some roads. I ended up having to get off the interstate on a dirt (no shitting you) road to get to the highway. On the way back home, B.B. had a few more moments. Part of the interstate was closed due to a massive wreck that caused a 2 hour detour. As soon as I took the exit to our house, the road was closed. Having that exit closed just summed up my entire trip, lol. When we pulled up to the house my fat cat come running from somewhere. I have no idea how long he had been outside of our fence, but he was very excited to get into the house.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Always something huh?

After our whole heating debacle, we are left kind of low in the fundage area. Of course my power cord on my laptop decides to stop working today. Off we go to Best Buy, Circuit City, Wal-Mart, Radio Shack (where I almost got into a fight) and then back to Circuit City to get a new one. $95 later, my computer works, but now I feel sick having to spend that much money. Hell I could have gotten a brand new computer for $398, lol. Big Girl decided to show her butt and throw a tantrum when we come home between CC and Wal-Mart so she could have lunch and Baby Boy could nap. That means no nap for him. He is increasingly grumpy. It is 6:00 and he is now asleep in my lap. Dinner is going to be late and microwaved at this point. My computer situation wouldn't be so dire if it wasn't for the fact that I am enrolled in a class and I have an assignment due on Tues. J. decided if I "really" want to drive to see him, we should try it. I would leave like last night, except for the money issues. Between the heat, the cord, and finding out somehow we have been a month behind in our vehicle payment for over a year, money issues have been stressful. I know how lucky we are abou not having to worry about layoffs, firings, and whether the next paycheck will come. I just want to bury my head and go to bed for a week.