Saturday, April 18, 2009

Can I run way please?

Seriously these kids are driving me crazy. Big girl has been acting out so much lately. No matter how many times I fuss, beg, cry, take things away nothing gets through to her. Every single time we step foot in Wal-Mart she is hungry, tired, her feet hurt, her head hurts, her legs, her tummy. Today we were in and out of WM within 15 minutes. As soon as we get to the front she is hungry. We had lunch not even an hour before. I tell her no snack. She starts crying and begging. We make it out and head to JC Penny. The whole time there I am fighting to keep Baby Boy in his stroller. He can squeeze out of his straps. We find nothing there so we go to Old Navy. I let Big girl color at the table while I shop for Baby Boy. When it came time to look for clothes for her, she didn't want to stop coloring. I do not try to shop for clothes for her without having her to hold them up to her. I give her a choice, color or shop. She wants to color. Ok, go color. I grab a couple of camis for myself. I tell her it is time to go. She starts screaming and begging me to buy her some clothes. The whole time we were in there B.B. wants to get out and walk. He cannot be trusted. He is trying to climb out, standing in the stroller, screaming. I carry him for a while before he starts getting too heavy. I let him walk for a little bit. He was great until it became a game to run away from me. I picked him up and he fought me and screamed about it. It all culminated at the checkout counter. I had both of them screaming, one to get down and walk, the other because she wanted to get some clothes. I drove straight to the shoppette and got a fifth of Vodka and orange juice. After we get home B.B. is so tired all he did was scream while I attempted to cook dinner. I ended up scraping dinner and just popped open a couple cans of soup. So here is the story of my life. I am to the point I just don't know how much more I can take. I have started my new class and I don't know if I can do it. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out....

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I feel like I am losing my mind

I am seriously about to lose my shit. Nothing I do gets through Big Girl. She is keep repeating herself over and over again after I tell her to do/not to do something. It usually ends up with me yelling at her to get her to do/stop whatever. She wants to sleep with her overhead light on, but not her fan. Well she broke her fan chain so now I can't turn it off. I tell her I can't, go to bed. What does she do? Keeps begging me to turn it off, even after I tell her I can't and she is not sleeping with the overhead light on when she has a lamp she can use. Ignore her, you may say, don't engage? Easier said than done. She will keep repeating herself and the starts begging me to listen to her while continuing to get whinnier and whinnier to the point I believe her voice is going to bore a hole in my brain. She is 7 years old! I thought the whining was supposed to be over by now. I guess not.

Now one to the little one, my dear sweet baby boy. If you do not stop screaming every.single.time you don't get want you want or have something taken away from you, I am going to choke you. There is nothing like having people running from aisles to see what is going on when they hear you scream at the top of your lungs after I take a pen away from you when you figure out how to open the top. And I am extremely sorry you have to ride in a carseat, but honey, it is for your own safety. I am very tired of having to wrestle you into the seat while you are screaming so loudly that I am sure at one point someone has called CPS on me. I am sorry I have things I need to do during the day that usually requires we take the car, and many times multiple stops. I am tired by the second time I have to fight you into the seat.

And dammit, I am tired of the whole "your husband is gone, so everything is going to break/die/catch on fire. Since he has been gone I have managed to have a slow leaking tire, run over a HUGE nail that flattens my tire within an hour, have the side wall of one of the patched tires explode at the mall, sliding into a curb and knocking my tire off the rim, my furnace died during December (not long before Christmas), lost my power of attorney form that I need to renew my tag, and the day before yesterday..... I thought I put my Jeep in park in the parkin lot of Target, I reached down to fix my shoe. I felt myself rolling. I ended up hitting my gas instead of brake. I slammed into the car in front of me and ripped my licence plate mount off when I backed up. Luckly for me the guy was really nice about it and didn't want my info. Today I managed to blow up my vacuum cleaner. I am hoping I jut broke the belt, but I don't know. The damn thing was smoking.

I need sleep. I average around 3-4 hours a night interupted by Baby Boy. This is because he is on a sleep strike. I am lucky to get him to sleep and stay asleep before 2 am. I can't focus on anything. I feem emotionally drained to the point I can't even cry if I wanted to. I am sick of my damned dog jumping on the counter and getting shit that I forget to push back. I know I don't have much longer before J. comes home, but dammit I don't know if I can handle much more. I'm starting school full time in 2 weeks and I don't know if I can do it.

This is how I feel today...