Friday, October 9, 2009
and I am haaving a hard time dealing with it. It has just hit me. I know 30 is just a number. I never thought I would have kids, I now have 2. I never thought I would be a SAHM. I love my babies, and I love being able to stay home with them, but I am just mourning who I thought I would be. I thought I would be in a much different place by now. When I was 16, I thought by now I would be a Veterinarian with my own office. Now I am finally working on my BS in criminal justice. I never At times I feel like a fat, frumpy, housewife. I hate the weight I am at right now. I thought it was because of a medical issue, but everything came back normal. I love my husband, but I am so jealous of what he has achieved so far. When he turned 30, it was right before our 7 year aniversery. He went crazy and we almost ended up in divorce. Now I wonder when will I have my crisis point, when can I go crazy. I know I can't. I am the one who has to hold it all down. I am almost 30 and I feel like I have no place, no purpose. I have no energy during the day and have problems sleeping at night. At times I just want to run away from it all, but I can't. I just think back on who I was at 16. I feel I have lost myself somewhere over time. I know a lot has changed, I have changed, but sometimes I want "her" back. I want her carelessness, her freedom back. I want to be able to have no worries in life. I want to go back and see life through those eyes again, the biggest worry was what I was going to do on the weekends. I just miss "her". I miss her body, her outlook, how free she was. I know this will never happen. She is gone forever, locked inside my mind. Every now and then I do catch a glimpse her her coming out to say hey.