Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What to say, what to say...

This has been one of those weeks I wish I could just sleep through. Nothing profound happened, just the same ol', same ol'. Only I wish J. was here with us so badly. I knew how it would be when I signed on for this "job" but it does hurt. The tree is up, the gifts are wrapped and I know I have to be happy and positive for the kidlets. We just found out he won't be coming home a little early for R&R like we hoped he would be, so that was another blow.

Yesterday I found out my grandfather had a massive stroke and possibly will never come out of his coma. What is so horrible about the situation is I feel nothing. Nada, zip. I'm numb. When I get the call that he is gone I will feel the same. This man did nothing but drive my grandmother away from her family. He made her choose between him and us, she chose him over her only daughter and granddaughter. It is a long drawn out story that I won't get into here. I have seen them once in 14 years. That was because I had a momentary laspe of stupidity. When my Granddaddy was in the hospital I decided they should meet my then 3 month old daughter. At the time I was very emotional. I was dealing with undiagnosed post pardem depression and the stress of not knowing how my Granddaddy was going to be. When my grandfather opened the door he didn't recognize me. My grandmother was downstairs in the basement. When she come up to see me, she looked surprised, but not emotional, to see us. She showed little emotion over meeting her Great-granddaughter, whom she didn't even know about, for the first time. When I left, my grandfather followed me out to the car. The only thing he had to say to me was that I needed to get my mom over to the house. He wasn't going to be around forever and my grandmother needed her to take care of her. He then let me know that she needed to come over because when they are gone my mom will get everything. I haven't seen them since. She just found out about my little guy yesterday when my mom met her at the hospital.

I hate myself for not feeling anything about a family member passing. I don't know why I am posting this anyway. I want to cry for him, but I can't. I feel bad for my grandmother. She isn't in the greatest health and will have to either live alone or attempt to sale her house. She will expect my mom to help her.

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