I just want to go home...

Time changes, everything moves on. People pass, separate, move, have babies.. you know the drill. While sitting next to my baby's crib it dawned on me, I want to be home. Now I don't mean my home, I mean home home. Where I grew up, where my family is. We have lived away for 8 years now and never have I wanted to go home so badly. I know my mom needs me. She and my dad separated. My aunt and uncle are nice to let her stay with them, but it isn't her home. She let my dad have that. She can't move on and get an apartment or rent a house because she still pays the bills at now my dad's house. My best friend since the womb recently gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy who I won't be able to meet until he is almost a year. My kids are growing up not knowing their grandparents. I was lucky enough to live by both sets of mine at different times. Both sets had a huge hand in raising me. We briefly lived with my grandmother after my grandfather past away. Now my mom's stepmom is in a nursing home battling Alzheimer's and both my dad's parents have past away. They did get to meet our daughter. My grandfather past away right before she turned 1, my grandmother 2 months later. They never got to meet my son who is the first male born to that side of the family since my dad, 50 years ago. I know I can't go home. I think that is partly why I feel like I do. I cannot make a 26+hour drive alone with 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a cat, nor can we afford to fly and kennel the pets. We need all the money we can save for when my honey comes home for leave. I know my mom would help us in a heartbeat, but I have relied on her too many times. So now I write this out, to get it out, because there is no one I can tell. If I tell my mom she will try to force me to come home, if I tell my friend she will guilt me into coming home, and if I tell my husband I will make him feel guilty. I hate being alone. I do have friends, but it is not the same. Tomorrow we are going to one of our friend's homes. I truly hope we can entertain each other enough so maybe, just maybe, we can forget about it all for a day. I say that, but I know there is no forgetting where he is for Jay. He is over there, alone, dealing with frustrations he can't take care of from there. I am doing what I can for him but I can't because I am not him.

Best conversation of the day....

All this happened over strained broccoli mixed with chicken and peanut butter sandwich (mine). It is amazing how a string of vowels can be the most serious of subjects one minute and the world's funniest joke the second. It is also amazing that this time last year my wonderful conversationalist was almost a month old. Now he is a walking, barely running, babbling toddler.


My Coversationalist at his cutest.