Bittersweet

We are gearing up for our move. We have been talking to realtors and cleaning out the house. It is bittersweet. This is the city I have fallen in love with. This is where we bought our first home and where our little boy was born. This is also the place where J. and I separated and went through one of the lowest points of our lives. Big girl loves her school and her friends but understands we have to move. This is all Baby Boy has ever known. B.G. was baby when we moved the first time and much older when we moved for the second time. We will be near family and the beach. This is where we have made great friends we are going to have to leave behind and where I actually finished college for the first time. So much has changed in these last 4 years. Our daughter started school for the first time and our baby boy was introduced into this world. I am sad to go, but anxious for the future. I cannot wait to see what lays ahead for us. Things seem overwhelming right now. There are so much stuff to do before we move. I have started getting the house ready to show. Now we just need to choose a realtor and get moving. We have 32 days before pick-up.

Well, the time has come..

We discovered we are indeed moving. Great, wonderful, let's go. The problem, you may ask?? We only have around 6 weeks to get everything done and J. won't be home from school until the first week of May. We have to report the first week of June. This means I have to take care of everything I can before he comes home. I have to set up the movers, clean the house out, get someone to redo our tile grout, hopefully find a new house, talk to realtors, and the list goes on and on, where it stops no one knows. Big girl isn't happy at all. I know she is going to miss her friends. I hate having to move her, but it comes with the life. I am so tired that I don't want to think about anything and I haven't even started. My eye literally twitches. The house is nowhere near ready to be sold. There is so much little stuff that needs to be done, and our housing market still hasn't come back up. I guess I need to get jumping.

I guess I should update

Since it has been almost 6 months since I have posted anything. Things are so much better. J. finished warrant school last month and is leaving this week for the second phase of his ed-u-macation. Sweet baby girl is loving school. Her first soccer game of the season was today. She was incrediable. She ended up playing her favorite position, goalie. She had at least 10 saves. Baby Boy's diaper ended up coming loose and he piddled his pants. I had to miss the last quarter. We are gearing up for another 5 weeks alone. I am not looking forward to it, but I am excited to find out what will be in store for us next. We are either leaving or staying. Hopefully we will know in the next week. Baby boy is more distructive than ever. He has learned he can climb up the cabinets to get to things on the counter. He pulls out the oven drawer to stand on and climb on the stove. He is loud and rambunctious. He hates the stroller, but refuses to hold our hands. He loves to run away when we are not looking and is too fast. He is my sweet little boy that drives me bat-shit crazy at times. I am in the middle of finishing my BS online. I have maybe 10 classes left. I am not completely sure what I want to do with the degree when I am finished, but at least I will have it.

I want to thank you lovely ladies who commented on my other posts. I hope you see this. I promise I did not intentionally ignore your kind words. They do mean a lot. It is uplifting to read kind things when it seems like you are at the bottom. Thank you.

I am almost 30....

and I am haaving a hard time dealing with it. It has just hit me. I know 30 is just a number. I never thought I would have kids, I now have 2. I never thought I would be a SAHM. I love my babies, and I love being able to stay home with them, but I am just mourning who I thought I would be. I thought I would be in a much different place by now. When I was 16, I thought by now I would be a Veterinarian with my own office. Now I am finally working on my BS in criminal justice. I never At times I feel like a fat, frumpy, housewife. I hate the weight I am at right now. I thought it was because of a medical issue, but everything came back normal. I love my husband, but I am so jealous of what he has achieved so far. When he turned 30, it was right before our 7 year aniversery. He went crazy and we almost ended up in divorce. Now I wonder when will I have my crisis point, when can I go crazy. I know I can't. I am the one who has to hold it all down. I am almost 30 and I feel like I have no place, no purpose. I have no energy during the day and have problems sleeping at night. At times I just want to run away from it all, but I can't. I just think back on who I was at 16. I feel I have lost myself somewhere over time. I know a lot has changed, I have changed, but sometimes I want "her" back. I want her carelessness, her freedom back. I want to be able to have no worries in life. I want to go back and see life through those eyes again, the biggest worry was what I was going to do on the weekends. I just miss "her". I miss her body, her outlook, how free she was. I know this will never happen. She is gone forever, locked inside my mind. Every now and then I do catch a glimpse her her coming out to say hey.

Can I run way please?

Seriously these kids are driving me crazy. Big girl has been acting out so much lately. No matter how many times I fuss, beg, cry, take things away nothing gets through to her. Every single time we step foot in Wal-Mart she is hungry, tired, her feet hurt, her head hurts, her legs, her tummy. Today we were in and out of WM within 15 minutes. As soon as we get to the front she is hungry. We had lunch not even an hour before. I tell her no snack. She starts crying and begging. We make it out and head to JC Penny. The whole time there I am fighting to keep Baby Boy in his stroller. He can squeeze out of his straps. We find nothing there so we go to Old Navy. I let Big girl color at the table while I shop for Baby Boy. When it came time to look for clothes for her, she didn't want to stop coloring. I do not try to shop for clothes for her without having her to hold them up to her. I give her a choice, color or shop. She wants to color. Ok, go color. I grab a couple of camis for myself. I tell her it is time to go. She starts screaming and begging me to buy her some clothes. The whole time we were in there B.B. wants to get out and walk. He cannot be trusted. He is trying to climb out, standing in the stroller, screaming. I carry him for a while before he starts getting too heavy. I let him walk for a little bit. He was great until it became a game to run away from me. I picked him up and he fought me and screamed about it. It all culminated at the checkout counter. I had both of them screaming, one to get down and walk, the other because she wanted to get some clothes. I drove straight to the shoppette and got a fifth of Vodka and orange juice. After we get home B.B. is so tired all he did was scream while I attempted to cook dinner. I ended up scraping dinner and just popped open a couple cans of soup. So here is the story of my life. I am to the point I just don't know how much more I can take. I have started my new class and I don't know if I can do it. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out....

I feel like I am losing my mind

I am seriously about to lose my shit. Nothing I do gets through Big Girl. She is keep repeating herself over and over again after I tell her to do/not to do something. It usually ends up with me yelling at her to get her to do/stop whatever. She wants to sleep with her overhead light on, but not her fan. Well she broke her fan chain so now I can't turn it off. I tell her I can't, go to bed. What does she do? Keeps begging me to turn it off, even after I tell her I can't and she is not sleeping with the overhead light on when she has a lamp she can use. Ignore her, you may say, don't engage? Easier said than done. She will keep repeating herself and the starts begging me to listen to her while continuing to get whinnier and whinnier to the point I believe her voice is going to bore a hole in my brain. She is 7 years old! I thought the whining was supposed to be over by now. I guess not.

Now one to the little one, my dear sweet baby boy. If you do not stop screaming every.single.time you don't get want you want or have something taken away from you, I am going to choke you. There is nothing like having people running from aisles to see what is going on when they hear you scream at the top of your lungs after I take a pen away from you when you figure out how to open the top. And I am extremely sorry you have to ride in a carseat, but honey, it is for your own safety. I am very tired of having to wrestle you into the seat while you are screaming so loudly that I am sure at one point someone has called CPS on me. I am sorry I have things I need to do during the day that usually requires we take the car, and many times multiple stops. I am tired by the second time I have to fight you into the seat.

And dammit, I am tired of the whole "your husband is gone, so everything is going to break/die/catch on fire. Since he has been gone I have managed to have a slow leaking tire, run over a HUGE nail that flattens my tire within an hour, have the side wall of one of the patched tires explode at the mall, sliding into a curb and knocking my tire off the rim, my furnace died during December (not long before Christmas), lost my power of attorney form that I need to renew my tag, and the day before yesterday..... I thought I put my Jeep in park in the parkin lot of Target, I reached down to fix my shoe. I felt myself rolling. I ended up hitting my gas instead of brake. I slammed into the car in front of me and ripped my licence plate mount off when I backed up. Luckly for me the guy was really nice about it and didn't want my info. Today I managed to blow up my vacuum cleaner. I am hoping I jut broke the belt, but I don't know. The damn thing was smoking.

I need sleep. I average around 3-4 hours a night interupted by Baby Boy. This is because he is on a sleep strike. I am lucky to get him to sleep and stay asleep before 2 am. I can't focus on anything. I feem emotionally drained to the point I can't even cry if I wanted to. I am sick of my damned dog jumping on the counter and getting shit that I forget to push back. I know I don't have much longer before J. comes home, but dammit I don't know if I can handle much more. I'm starting school full time in 2 weeks and I don't know if I can do it.

This is how I feel today...

Funny Shit

It must be because it is almost 130, but I think I peed a little when I saw this critter.


more animals

I feel sorry for whoever has to feed his fat ass.